I surely have neglected my Xanga and I feel bad about it, too.  I just couldn't get myself to write.  It was kind of like... walking in mud to try and put my thoughts into words.  I'm not saying I'm out of the mud walking but I think I'm over it somewhat and will be writing occasionally once again.

Most folks know that I've been dealing with some pretty bad issues with my heart.  Well its not been easy to accept the fact that I have a potentially fatal condition in the first place.  It was downright depressing. The docs told me I'd have to have heart valve replacement surgery eventually.  How long till it was a must do thing?  About two years according to my Doc.  This was in August of 07 when my brand new granddaughter was only 5 months old.  So I spent some time in tears and felt sorry for myself for a few months and then I found the part of me that is always happy deep down inside.  I bounced back a bit but I admit not all the way back.  I still had my worries but I started enjoying my daughter and my granddaughter and the rest of my family again.  On February 11, 2008 I had a heart attack.  Nothing major thank God but still had emergency stint surgery and was told its not cholesterol that caused this blockage,  It was Calcium caused by radiation I had as an 11 year old girl to cure Hodgkin's Disease.  It was radiation damage doing all of this to me!  Yep, what once saved my life is now killing me.  But I got through that just fine.  Felt a lot better and I've had a nice life and enjoyable times and adventures in the time since then.  The vacations have been so wonderful and I've made memories that I'm sure my family also will cherish for a lifetime.  I truly thank God for this time and I don't take a moment of time for granted.  I've had periods of illness and weakness over the past several months.  I knew I was getting worse last summer.  I couldn't even work in my garden like I like to. After some tests in October my cardiologist, Dr. Noda, told me its time.  Surgery won't wait any longer and she sent me to see my surgeon, Dr. David Heimansohn.  I totally feel that I have the most amazing, kind and smart surgeon to do my surgery.  I've been told he's one of the best not just in Indiana but in the entire country.  I feel fortunate to have him as my doctor.  I also feel very fortunate to be having my surgery at St. Vincent's Heart Center of Indiana.  This is one of the top 6 hospitals for the heart in the United States for many years now and also the best in the Midwest.  It's comforting to know these people and this facility will be taking care of me. I have every confidence in my doctors and add my faith in God to that and you get a secure patient.

So my surgery date is set for January 5, 2011.  I was really hoping it would wait until after Christmas and prayed for it... Thank You God.  After my surgery is over I will be in the hosital for at least 1 week and maybe longer depending on complications that sometimes show up with radiation damaged hearts.  Again I pray and have faith in God. Then I will recover here at home and will not be doing much at all for about 4 more weeks.  Then I can start living again.  Wow... I can't wait. 

It's snowing out and so pretty.  The temperature has risen to the lower twenties.  I used to be out in the barn on days like this one. I'd spend some time brushing my 'Hank' and then I'd saddle him up and we'd go riding in the snow.  It was so quiet and all I could hear was his breathing and the sound of saddle leather quietly squeaking. The snow would be billowing out from his feet as we made our way through the drifts.  I really miss that.  Hank is gone on now and I miss him still but maybe someday me and Beau might take a ride like that because I plan on making a major comeback after I heal up.  Besides, I have a granddaughter to teach what I know about horses and riding.... just like I did her Momma (along with a few other folks) and her Momma turned out to be a state champion in rodeo.  I also want to show her and others to appreciate how beautiful life really is and that smiling is a tremendous blessing to all of us.

Hope you all have a beautiful day!  Stay warm and stay safe. 

~Love You All~

This has been a bad week.  My birthday was nice of course (thanks to my family... love ya'll... hugs & kisses)  but there has been a lot of bad and stressful things happening around me over the past several months and this past week seems to be the worst.  Things don't have to happen to you for it to upset you and that's pretty much how it's been this week.  Sorry... I'm just venting... a lil bit. 

I just really cannot stand mean people!!!

*Hugs Ya'll*

I said a while back, that I’d write more about my heart condition. So today, on the 1 Year Anniversary of my heart attack, I decided to write the following.

When I was 11 years old, I had a persistent cold. My doctor treated me for about 3 months before a chest x-ray showed a shadow around my heart. That shadow turned out to be swollen lymph nodes in my chest. That very day, my doctor admitted me to the local hospital and the next morning the glands in my neck were involved and very largely swollen. A week later, I was in Riley Hospital for Children in Indianapolis. The doctors at Riley diagnosed me with Hodgkin’s disease and I spent the next year of my life fighting the disease. Hodgkin’s is a form of cancer.  It’s like Leukemia of the Lymph system. My treatment consisted of everything from ‘Surgery’ to ‘Radiation Therapy’ to ‘Chemotherapy’. I literally lived at that hospital for many months. I was a very sick little girl but by the grace of God and the doctors at Riley… I survived. At age, 17, my doctors pronounced me cured and to this day, at age 46, I have to have periodic checks to make sure that I’m still fully in remission… which I am. God heard the prayers of my parents, my family and I back then and He gave to me a miracle. 

God continued to answer my prayers, too. My doctors there told me that I’d probably never have children so imagine my surprise and great joy, when at age 23, after I’d been married for 7 months, I found out that I was four months pregnant. That was another miracle in my life and I think it was the happiest occasion in my life, too.

Now… presently, I’m a grandmother and once again so blessed to receive such a darling little angel into my life. Haley is my most recent miracle. I’m very thankful to God for everything He’s done for me.

As for the ‘Aortic Stenosis’ and my ‘Heart Attack’ my doctors have told me that my heart damage is the direct result of the ‘Radiation Therapy’ that I had when I was 11 years old to save my life. The radiation caused my aortic valve to calcify as well as portions of my aorta. The blockage in my heart that caused my heart attack was in face, a calcium blockage from the radiation damage. To repair this damage, I’ll have to have ‘Aortic Valve Replacement’ surgery at some point soon. I’m not sure when. I’ll just have it when the time is right. My surgeon told me that I would know when it’s time. At this point, I don’t feel it’s time yet.

What I do know is that this winter weather is greatly affecting me. I do all right as long as I stay indoors. Although, even if I stay indoors on those sub-zero temperature days… I feel it. Somehow, my heart knows it.  I’ll be so glad when spring arrives to warm everything up so I can spend the mornings drinking coffee on my patio and afternoons working with my flowers and in the vegetable garden with little Haley running around and ‘helping’. 

February 11, 2008 at approximately 1:00 am… I had a heart attack. So now, it’s been a year. My 1 Year Anniversary. It’s kind of a funny feeling. It’s neither a celebratory feeling nor a morbid feeling. I could very easily be bitter about what’s happened in my life but I choose to think there is a reason for all of it. I don’t know what it is and maybe I never will know but I believe that God knows what He’s doing. I’m a bit scared all over again, I guess. I’ve learned to love everyone openly. I’ve learned to appreciate more and to be much less judgmental. I try never to take anything for granted.

Every minute is a blessing. It’s truly a gift. 

*Hugs Ya'll*

I've been gone too long... AGAIN!!! I'm sorry. 

No excuse really.  I just am so 'blue' most of the time.  I don't do much of anything.  Occasionally I sign into Xanga fully intending to write something but suddenly my mind is a big black blank.  So I sign off and think to myself... "I'll write something tomorrow."   

I've been told by my doctor, the cardio-rehab specialist and by much of the literature I have about surviving a heart attack and living with heart disease that it's absolutely normal to go through periods of depression.  So... I guess I haven't recognized it.  Maybe I did and just didn't know what to do about it.  I guess I just thought it would go away.  It does go away for a few days at a time but it doesn't stay away.  It's not so bad really.  I mean, I function.  I cook and clean and babysit for my adorable little Haley.  I put on a little make up when I go out of the house which is not very often.  This weather we've been having has made it impossible!  My heart doesn't do well when it's cold out.  I've also been sick with a cold twice but surprisingly it was only a mild cold both times. 

Last week it was -15 degrees F actual temperature and our windchill was -37.  That was the low that we had on Thursday night.  That was rough!  That's the kind of cold that no matter what you do... you cannot warm it up in the house.  The cold seems to seep right through the walls and windows.  I slept in 2 pairs of jami's and thick socks.  I never sleep in my socks!  I hate that!  But... that night I welcomed the added warmth.  Temps are back to our normal 20's - 10's now and it feels so much better.  I've been out of hibernation twice since Friday.  I used to love playing in the snow and riding horses in the snow is just wonderful.  I miss it all but especially riding my horse in the snow.  It's just so hard to still want to do the things I've always done and now... I'm not able to.  It's just depressing.  Blah! 

I think all I need is SPRING!  Haha!  I know, I know. It's way too early to be thinking spring but well... I can hope can't I?  Honestly I do miss writing on here.  I miss reading everyone's blogs, too.  I just gotta pull myself together and I'm sure I can do it. I've been messing around more on facebook (Ya'll can find me there by my email. TeeJ05@msn.com if you have facebook. I'd love to see you on my friends list there!) I've also been planning my garden already and I think I'm going to start some seeds indoors when the time is right.  I'm just trying to force myself to brighten up! Since I've been feeling so bad with my two colds and then the cold weather, I haven't been keeping Haley as often.  Now that I'm feeling physically better I'll be keeping my girl more like I normally do. 

That right there is THE BEST MEDICINE and there is no doubt she'll have me feeling great in no time.  I have her tomorrow and I'm planning on baking some brownies with her.  Last time she was here we made pudding and she loved that.  Haley is really growing.  She is going to be tall and skinny I think.  Her vocabulary is amazing.  Her doctor just can't get over how good she talks.  At 21 months, we can have simple conversations now.  She makes me laugh and makes me smile.  My mood brightens just knowing she'll be here tomorrow.

I'll be posting again soon.  I promise.  And I'm sorry if I made anyone worry or wonder about me.  I really do miss and care for my Xanga friends. 

*Hugs Ya'll*

I'm thankful for my Xanga friends. 

I'm done baking for the night.  Now I'm going to bed so I can get up and

start again at 6 AM!  I hope that all of you have a wonderful day tomorrow.

*Hugs Ya'll*

I haven't started neglecting my Xanga again.  I'm just dealing with a sinus infection and the headache that goes with it.  I've had it most of the week.  With this weather that's not surprising.  It's rained practically all week and right now it's so foggy I can't see my Jeep sitting in the drive.

On top of that I've been having muscle pains in my biceps, neck and shoulders and let me tell you... 'That scares me!'  When I had my heart attack I had pain in my shoulders and upper arms for a few weeks before hand.  So Monday I called my cardiologist and talked to the nurse.  I've been taking Lipitor as a preventative medicine in spite of the fact that I have no cholesterol problem.  Actually my Cholesterol is 30 points below average but Doc wants me to take the Lipitor as a preventative medicine so I've been doing just that.  Lipitor is the second medication that I've been on for that reason because the first one; Pravistaten; caused me so much pain in my right shoulder that I had to stop taking it.  So... the nurse says she'll talk to my doctor and call me back shortly.  I wait all the rest of Monday and until 11 AM on Tuesday morning when I called the office and left a message that I'd like a call back.  A half hour later the nurse called me back saying my doctor wants me to stop the Lipitor completely and we'll see if that's what is causing the pain.  They said I should see a difference in 10 - 14 days but, I know people who have taken 'Statens' and have permanent muscle and joint damage.  Geez, that's all I need!

On a good note..... Tomorrow my Mom and I are taking Haley to my great nephew's 7th birthday party at Chucky Cheese.  I am looking forward to seeing all the kids there and watching Haley play.  My sister has promised me she'll help chase Haley around so I won't be worn out.  It's supposed to be colder with a chance of snow flurries.  I dread the snow but I'm sure when Haley sees it for the first time it'll be a memory in the making.

I hope that everyone is staying warm and safe.  I'm off to bed to try to sleep.  I'll be around to see everyone tomorrow. 

*Hugs Ya'll*

It was simply beautiful out today.  As much as I enjoyed sitting on my swing (which hubby thankfully hadn't put up for the winter yet) and watching Haley running and chasing first the dog and then the cats around the back yard there was a part of me that was sad all day long.  Why was I so sad when the temperature was in the mid 70's and the sun was shining warmly on my skin?  Because I knew it was most likely the last truly warm day we'd have until next spring.  I hope I'm wrong but come on... it's a rare thing to have a 70 degree day in November in Indiana.  And earlier on TV I seen they were having a snow storm in North Dakota which is a long ways from here but still... just seeing that... ugh.

I've been told by my doctor and also cardiac rehab that I'm not to spend much time outside when the temperature is below 40.  Seems it restricts the arteries so I must spend my time indoors for the most part.  Well that bites!  I can't make a snowman with Haley this winter but I do plan on sitting in my kitchen watching from my window seat where it's nice and warm. 

I thought I would post some recipes that I've been inspired to come up with over the past few months.  I grew my own spices and preserved about everything I could from the garden this summer.  The cupboard is full of quarts of green beans, whole tomatoes, and tomato juice.  I've got plenty of Cayenne Peppers dried and loads of Jalapeno's frozen.  I've got jars of dried Oregano and Sweet Basil.  I'll be cooking and baking happily all winter. 

Haley helped me make Chocolate Chip cookies today and she loved them for her bedtime snack.  She really loved the Jello for lunch though.  Jello makes her giggle and her giggles are the best medicine in the world.  

Haley's Momma is working at the North American Livestock Exposition in Louisville, Kentucky for 3 weeks (including this week).  She sent me pictures this morning of her sprained ankle and it's black and blue.  It looks terrible but she says it doesn't hurt too bad.  So I'll worry about her more than usual now.  Haha!   That's the way it goes when you're the Mom of a cowgirl. 

*Hugs Ya'll*

It's been a while since I posted here.  I really haven't spent much time at all on the computer.  My health... my heart... keeps me down a lot.  Just when I think my doctor has my medications just right, something happens and everything is thrown off track.  So it's like two steps forward and one step back.. most every week.  Truly I haven't known how I'll feel from day to day since this whole thing started.  My doctor figured out a few weeks ago through blood work that I had too much of one medication in my system so after she took me off of that pill I'm feeling much better every day.  She told me though, that instead of looking at a time span of 5 years for my heart valve replacement surgery I may be looking at less than a year because of all the complications that have been coming up.  UGH!  That did not help my outlook on life much!  Simply put... I just don't feel good.  I get tired so easily.  I mean deep down in the bones tired from the simplest tasks.  It's crazy and not like me at all.  I keep trusting in God and leaving it in His hands but some days it's hard to even look towards tomorrow.

Haley is my inspiration.  I'm so thankful that she's here in my life.  Having her here makes me happy.  She's such a beautiful, wonderful, happy child.  She is a talker!  At 15 months she jabbers non-stop, sings songs, knows all the dogs and horses names individually and being on a horses back sure seems to be natural to her even at this age.  I think that she inherited that from her Momma because she was always at home on a horse.  Maybe we will have another State Champion Rodeo rider on our hands.  Then again... she sure does love music and dancing around.  She might be into ballet.  Haha! 

Amber's young horse is heading to training this next week.  He was supposed to be gone a few weeks ago but with the weather we've had all summer he got an abscess in his back hoof.  The vet had to open it up and drain it but it's doing great now.  So... off to training he goes.  Amber is the only one that's ever been on his back but with her working now and Haley... not much time left for training her horse.  We are hoping after this training he'll prove to be a World Champion Barrel Horse just like his father and half-brother are.  That's something to look forward to in the future.  We definitely enjoy the travel to shows and rodeo's and the sportsmanship and camaraderie has been missed a lot.

I do truly and honestly miss Xanga. I'm going to try my best to get on here more often and write a few lines if nothing else. 

*Hug's Ya'll*

It's been a while... again... since I've visited Xanga.  This time it's because I've been in and out of the hospital(s) more than once lately.  Monday, February 11, around 1 AM, I had a heart attack.  It was the scariest thing I've ever experienced.  It was painful, frightening and I felt very confused as to what was happening at the time.  I hope and pray I never experience that or anything like it again.  An ambulance rushed me to our local hospital that in turn rushed me to Indiana Heart Center in Indianapolis, where I underwent an emergency catheter surgery to insert a stent into my right coronary artery.  It was a calcium deposit that blocked my artery.  Two days later on Wednesday, February 13 I was released to come home and I've been taking it easy every since then.  The doctors told my family that eventually I'll still need the aortic valve replacement done but for now things are looking much better. 

Today I ran the vacuum 'just a little bit' for the first time since it happened and it totally wore me out.  I can't tell you how frustrating it is not to be able to do the things I normally do.  It's just so aggravating.  Tomorrow I'm supposed to go for my first Cardiac Rehabilitation session but I'm not too sure that will happen.  They say we're getting snow and ice from early tonight throughout the night and day tomorrow into tomorrow night.  If the roads are bad then I'll just have to reschedule.  I don't mind getting out in the snow but the ice is totally different.  Not that I'll be driving myself over there but I don't want to even be out in it.

What I do want is........ "SPRING"!!!!  My beautiful flower beds and a freshly mown lawn and warm sunshine!  At least then I can rock my beautiful, precious, grandbaby on the porch in my rocking chair.  Hahaha!  What I really want to be able to get back to is riding horses this summer.  That's my goal.  People think that all you do is sit on a horses back and that it's not much exercise at all for the person riding, but that's sooo wrong.  Riding is good for your whole body including your mood and your heart.  I look forward to sore muscles and a sunburned nose! 

I hope that ya'll are doing great.  Thanks for the good thoughts!  They are all precious to me. 

*Hugs*

I seen my doctor last Thursday afternoon and was very pleased to hear her say I could stop taking the blood thinners.  I don't go back to see her for a month now and she said that if all goes well at that time she's going to take me off of one of my heart pills.  She told me after she's sure that my heart is staying in normal rhythm she'll have me get the TEE scan.  It was mostly good news but she did say that eventually I will require the aortic valve replacement.  But again... won't know much more until after the TEE scan.  As for now, I'm still having days where I feel really weak, tired and "BLAH"... but overall I'm feeling a lot better.

Hubby finally got to start putting the new siding and roof on the barn this week and anyone who's worked with older structures knows that nothing is square and it takes forever.  He does have 1 whole side done as of quitting time tonight.  I hope the dry weather stays with us as much as possible.  I sure would enjoy some peace of mind knowing our horses have a warm, dry place before the real cold weather sets in.  I know that God made these animals able to withstand a lot where the weather is concerned but... well... I do love our horses so much and they are simply spoiled rotten!  We've had a few cool days but mostly its been pretty nice and going to be even warmer in the coming week so hopefully the barn will get finished soon.

Something is wrong with my digital camera and the flash won't work.  This really upsets me because anyone who knows me knows I rarely go anywhere without it.  I really enjoy taking nature shots including sunsets and sunrises.  I've missed a few fantastic sunsets lately.  I'm hoping that some new rechargeable batteries will fix the problem because I've been having to recharge the batteries more and more often.

Have a great week!

*Hugs Ya'll*